《A Little Life》是一部令人心碎的小说，讲述了四位大学同学之间的友谊和生活。其中一个角色Jude的童年经历和心灵创伤让人感到悲伤和心痛。小说深刻描绘了人性的复杂性和生活中的痛苦，让读者不禁为主人公的遭遇感到心疼和无奈。
《A Little Life》读后感(一)
收了实体也买了电子版，读得断断续续但每次都很容易沉浸。
见证了几位主人公变化成长的NYC，绵延细腻的心理描写，沉郁的过去和未知的将来……这些都是我喜欢的地方。只是很多时候深夜读，看到对于自残割腕的细节描写都忍不住打寒颤，好像真的拥有能和文字共鸣的痛点。
无数个场景和情节最让我印象深刻的反而是一些琐碎的日常片段，比如在地铁上读到NYC的轨道交通摇摇晃晃人影绰绰，那一刻好像真实和虚幻的场景重合；又比如画廊那一段，在人群里捕捉到那一刹那的美，美仿佛能够实体化能够固化，永远驻留在某个时空闪耀着光芒。
算是去年以来读过最长的一篇外文小说，看之前不幸被剧透了个含糊的结局，导致每次看到温馨美好之处都内心发寒，苦痛是真的，美好也是真的。ALL陪我走过了不同地方，度过了不同时光，那些被诟病之处其实也无伤大雅。只是读到最后想给伤痕累累的人一个拥抱，一个世俗意义上更好的结局。
《A Little Life》读后感(二)
所有我痛恨的写作技巧 当重新梳理的时候才发现是打破传统的。从头到尾读来都非常困难，因为无法代入任何一个角色，但是不得不说是非常了不起的，极具个人风格的一本长篇小说。有人说这本书depressive，我觉得是的，但对我来说很大程度上这种frustration comes from the life itself, that I don’t know how to disprove x = x. 我喜欢这本书的残酷，身边人无法帮助Jude活下去，喜欢Jude自杀了，让我觉得意外的舒了一口气，喜欢这是一个从一开始就能预见的结局。从第一次读The Bell Jar，每次读自杀结局的小说就不能想象不同的结局。谁能告诉我Jude要怎么活下去？ Jude的自残makes perfect sense，就和indulge一些相对让人难以走出作品阴影的作品一样。self sabotage正是因为我要毁灭所有关于我的东西，才能活下去，我要不断地学习新的知识、模仿，才能获得reward，彻底忘掉自己。
这样的作品确实是让人越来越自私，以自我为中心，但是同时也是一种放松一种宣泄，越disturbing，越觉得自己mentally ill，给自己找到一个丧的状态，合理化自己的没有动力。
Jude也许是在自己的截肢里学到了，当你还有选择时做出选择。我更加代入的是，如果我有这样一位亲人，我是无法帮助到他的。
《A Little Life》读后感(三)
过于冗长…友谊和William+Harold的爱让这本书又变成了fairy tale。不知不觉走到四十岁，nothing has been improved…问题只是堆积在那里，Jude有没有继续自残？JB怎样了？像电影cut in action一样（不确切的比喻），在看到结果之前就结束了。导致人物progression=0，说他们还是20岁我也信的。人内心的改变会比描写友谊，新家庭更真实更有冲击力。从不留恋任何事到有新的想法（比如想要稳定的关心，如何填补emptiness）都没有很好的解释。another reason i dont like this book too much—很多描写只是泛泛而谈，或者没有意义，让人失去兴趣，角色们说的最多的大概是I dont know why but i just couldnt do it…这种不细腻的描写，长篇的对话，其实是很难帮助读者如我 代入情境的。
柳原采用全男性角色，却适得其反，因为明显男生轻易不是她所描绘所想象的那样…我和我朋友也绝不是像Jude朋友们那么sensitive…for god sake they are friends for decades and still they cant get over with some stupid shit，也许对于Jude来说小芝麻也可以是大波澜（childhood trauma太有毒才导致的）但是过于annoying
也许柳原想尝试的是把一个ill mind全面地展示出来，让真实的，让人厌恶的self consciousness，被揭露。in that way then she is successful，但不太符合我的阅读习惯。
《A Little Life》读后感(四)
“You won't understand what I mean now, but someday you will: the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are - not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving - and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell something about yourself, no matter how bad - or good - it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But, the best, as well."
"Friendship was witnessing another's slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person's most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return. "
Please don't shy away from this book for its length. I will admit, this book is hard, hard to read and hard to process. The story line is about four men fresh out of college starting a life in New York city, and it follows their friendship over the course of forty years. In the meantime, there are so many abuses, sufferings, and hopelessnesses, and the read will, almost definitely, destroy you in the end. But it is also such an important read that you'll never experience elsewhere. Here's the author's take on avoiding difficult subject matters, "Much as I hope the reader is there in this book to bear witness to Jude's life and his suffering, we equally owe it as humans to witness other humans' suffering as well, and not to turn away because it makes us uncomfortable. "
《A Little Life》读后感(五)
I couldn't even finished my lunch when I was reading it.
After I finished it, there's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about Jude St.Francis and the last few years of his life.
I'm literally haunted by this book.
A Little Life算是今年Man Booker呼声最高的候选，这也是我读它的原因。至于触目惊心的简介和底下哀鸿遍野的评论，我一开始是真的没当回事儿，因为我觉得自己特别抗虐。
直到看完最后一章，我揉着哭红的眼睛想：我实在是太看得起自己了。
这个世界上还有比Jude更惨的人吗？简直就跟衰神附体了一样，在16岁之前，他就没遇见过一个好人。
无父无母
养他长大的修士们，开始还只是刻薄点，但是在Jude偷东西被抓之后就集体黑化变态了，每天轮番的虐待他。
大家都是变态，带Jude逃走的Brother Luke自然也是个变态，可以说他比其他修士更恐怖，因为他很温柔和善，从不打骂Jude，但就是他把Jude一点点变成了一个男妓，一个用自残来发泄愤怒和仇恨的孩子。
接着是孤儿院，孤儿院里的每一个管事儿的，也都是变态。
当Jude逃出孤儿院的时候，为了去波士顿，靠出卖自己的身体来攒路费，所以每一个他搭上的卡车司机都是变态。
最后是Dr.Traylor，大变态，直接毁了Jude的身体。
然后他得救了，进了大学，交了三个好朋友，被所有的教授喜爱。
作者用了七百多页的篇幅来写Jude，还是倒叙，所以他的前半生基本上是贯穿全书的，我在阅读的过程中，时常有一种被困在噩梦里的感觉，不知道Jude这样痛苦的一生，究竟什么时候才能有所好转，或者，有没有可能好转了。
作者用详细的近乎冰冷的笔触，把Jude受虐的细节完整的暴露在读者面前，每次看到关于他腿上化脓的伤口的描写，我都感到毛骨悚然，每次看到他小时候因为无法承受愤怒和痛苦，而狠狠得把自己往墙上撞的时候，我都得把Kindle关上，深深得吸一口气，再刷刷AO3上的甜文，才能接着读。看到他被困在Dr.Traylor的地下室里，在心里对着不知道是谁祈祷着"Please, please help me"，但是直到最后也没有人来帮他的时候，我几乎强忍着才能不哭出来。可能，这种坏人一个接一个出现的情节有些假，但是在这本书里，“意识到Jude的故事只是一个故事，是假的” 这个想法，才是真正支撑我读完它的原因。
Jude自杀了三次，前两次，他的每一丝心理变化和每一点情绪波动都被作者详细的写了出来，我读的时候简直有一种被困在了Jude身体里的感觉。而且关于这一段，作者不光从Jude的角度写，还从他的养父和朋友的角度来写一个濒临崩溃试图自杀的人究竟是什么样的。可是他最后真的自杀成功，作者却只是寥寥几笔带过，我想她可能也觉得Jude的人生到此为止，也是终于解脱了吧。
当然，作为一个苦逼读者，我也终于解脱了。。。。
A Little Life这本书，我觉得不适合给所有的人推荐，如果你能忍受主角在七百多页的篇幅里被从头虐到尾基本没过过一天好日子的话，那就去看看吧。
反正，不管你喜不喜欢它，这都是一本读了以后就不会再忘记的书。
《A Little Life》读后感(六)
A Little Life不是关于友情的，它所书写的主题是Brokenness。读完它已一年有余，我觉得我必须写点关于它的什么。是因为读时所感到的难以言表的震撼，而之所以感到震撼是因为在Jude的自我毁灭的灰烬中看到了自己的暗影。也许这也是大多数人为Jude的惨痛经历而黯然神伤的原因吧。内心深处我们都与Jude有共通之处，我们都会感到受伤，感到自己不配拥有美好的事物，感到自己有缺陷，感到自己的缺陷是咎由自取。这种非病理性的抑郁，是我们与Jude交流的桥梁。所以当读到Jude自残的片段，读到Jude无时不刻挂在嘴边的sorry，多多少少会产生共鸣。
关于A Little Life的书评读了许多，其实中差评不少。说实话这些书评都很中肯，几乎一针见血地指出了A Little Life作为一部小说的缺陷。四位主角在毕业之后事业可以说是一帆风顺，几乎都成为了行业中的顶尖人士，而这确实很奇怪。他们最终的定位为什么一定是事业的成功者？为什么不可以平凡，普通，位于社会中层甚至下层？将四人安置于社会的最顶尖的1%几乎对小说内容推进毫无帮助，却反而让情节失真，让小说泛起某种由作者引入的一厢情愿的期许的虚伪光泽。
还有人说它太长，需要被裁短。这……也许是对的吧。但其实就我个人感受而言，A Little Life的长度其实是它的优势。作为一个母语非英语的读者，在700多页粘稠而繁复的语句中跋涉，不仅是对脑力也是对体力的考验。真的，读完之后我长舒了一口气，不敢相信我竟然真的读完了它。而彼时再回顾投入其中的将近30个小时的时间，不会觉得疲倦。30个小时的时间，只是像某种建筑材料，而通过阅读，它们在现实的裂缝中构建了一个完全不同的宇宙。以前读小说时从未有过的感受。感觉自己的身体中的某一部分，住进了Jude，住进了Willem，住进了Malcom，住进了JB。但如果A Little Life被缩减到300页，没有了相应的体力付出，几乎可以说很难有这种感受。
除此之外，几乎所有的书评的矛头都指向了Jude。无论是其悲惨到让人无法信服的人生经历，还是他扭曲的心理，都会让人觉得这一个人物，小说的主要人物，其唯一的作用只是催泪。作者设置安排了所有的悲剧，只是为了将Jude一次又一次地击垮，然后对他的内心加以解剖，再通过放大镜将他的所有伤痕和血迹巨细靡遗地展现给读者。如果以这种方式理解作者的写作意图……其实也好像也不能说不对吧。这部小说的定位就是tragedy，或者顶多再掺杂一点melodrama。但之所以Jude的内心伤痕能够让读者动容，难道不是因为其实我们觉得自己和Jude也一样broken么？Jude 的人生经历确实很惨，而且用惨一个字便足以概括。但悲惨本身是无法使人落泪的，真正使我们落泪的，是共情。我们在Jude身上投射了自己，并借此找到了情绪的出口。在Jude一次次划向自己的刀片中，我们任由情绪恣肆漫溢。所有因为胆怯而未能承受的伤痛，Jude替我们承受，而我们负责体会血管清空后的空虚和轻松。我们在自我投射的想象中获得满足。虽然这种满足很难说是治愈。
是的，这部小说成功之处就在于它引起了我们身体深处被压抑被埋藏的情感。从未读过哪一本小说，像A Little Life一样如此成功地引起了对于抑郁的共鸣。就这点而言，A Little Life并不适合所有人群阅读，毕竟Jude的扭曲的思考模式（自己是劣等的，所有的苦难都是我自己找来的，我只能忍受）在人群中也并不很常见。而其实即使是那些在Jude中找到共鸣的人，也并没有谁会时时刻刻以Jude的方式思考生活——只是很偶尔，当失败的阴影浓重到使人感到窒息时。
但还是想对所有的Jude们说一句：You are worth it.
还是笑一个吧。
《A Little Life》读后感(七)
九月都在读这本A Little Life，带着它陪豌豆上琴课，出差，去日本，去青岛，赶在长假结束前最后一天读完了。读到最后两章，真是torture，当然前面的章节也有让人难以呼吸的片段，但还有起伏，最后两章像一场漫长的痛苦的谢幕。
柳原汉雅（Hanya Yanagihara），美籍日裔女作家，我好像没怎么看过日本女作家的书，男作家们，东野圭吾，村上春树，渡边纯一，甚至太宰治，虽然风格各异，但都用词平实但却精准，Hanya不是这种风格。她喜欢排比，sometimes有点冗余，对于心理的描写又有点用力，像是着力渲染一种气氛，逼你难过和伤痛。但我想好的作品其实是不见外物的，应该是一种自然的流淌，或喷薄而出，读者是一个不被注意的旁观者，你的感同身受作者并不在意，所有的美都是无心而就。
我不断想起余华的《活着》，二十多岁时候读到，看完了都不敢再翻开书，那种巨大的苦难，命运的无稽，人的渺小，坚韧就是痛到麻木。在读的时候，你会忘记有个作者，也会感觉不到你是读者，叙事像河流一样自然流畅，你沉浮其中而完全忘我。
可能太苛刻了，还是值得一读，群像作品，特别四位好友的性格差异和成长轨迹，还是很饱满的。
Plus，书里提到他们去西班牙朝圣Alhambra Palace（最后两张网图），camino deSantiago，圣地亚哥之路，朝圣之路，读的时候查了一下，打算有机会走一下。
《A Little Life》读后感(八)
这段Harold写给Jude的信直接让我泪崩。A Little Life进入到第2部分postman，前面Jude被隐去的部分渐渐填补起来，源于他无法提及伤痛的过去，虽然一切都还没明说，但他脆弱、敏感，随时做好逃跑的准备。这样一个像小鹿一样的人，因为法律和数学的天赋获得Harold夫妇的喜欢。前者仍然做好逃离的准备，于是每一次被善意的接纳，自己因为无法回报而内疚不已。因为曾经受过的伤害，Jude对别人突如其来哪怕善意的拥抱都会下意识防卫，于是在一次畅快淋漓地聊天之后，Harold想要拥抱他，Jude却下意识退让防护，不小心打碎了Harold唯一一个孩子生前送给他的陶艺。Jude内疚不已，Harold却没有介意，后者刻意正常的举动却更让前者更难堪。因为彼此都知道那个陶艺对H的份量。Jude回去写了一封非常诚恳的道歉信，Harold是在这样的背景下回复的。
这本书有800多页，算大部头了，布克奖获奖作品，背景是纽约，我刚开始读的时候觉得想不明白为什么会畅销还能拿奖，行文很轻松，但容易显得没有份量，第1部分，更多是通过四个年轻人纽约生活在掉书袋，应该是想通过纽约的文化艺术底展现人物和城市性格，这些术语还有流派其实是浮于表面的；到了第2部分，视线渐渐聚焦到Jude身上，他受的痛苦、伤害是什么成为最强的悬念，因为Jude曾经的伤痛，作者的写作手法上一层层抽丝剥茧，甚至在第1部分几乎隐去Jude的出现，形式与内在高度统一。其次是关于Jude的人物设计，非常有才华，比如里面提到他阐释纯数学和美国法的精神的探讨，讲纯数学和美国法之间的关系，得到自己多位教授、及其教授家人、朋友的喜爱，同时又很谦卑善良，特别担心自己给别人添麻烦，即使自己受过那么痛的伤害，特别是自己受过那么痛的伤害。所以在这些铺垫之后，图片里面，Harold回复的这封信才格外动人。
最后想谈的是，我觉得文学吸引我的部分，是用人的痛苦来作为叙述动力。之前看《角落的夜晚》，陈丹青说王安忆跟他感叹现在没有人看小说了，他认为媒体环境变化后，这是必然的。就像小说替代了说书人。但其实我们都知道，好的小说最重要的其实不是故事，它往往有更强大的精神内核和哲学驱动。它应该是不可言说的。所以我很同意丁老师说的，作家或创作者对作品的解读，其实是在拆解自己作品构建的价值。读小说的过程应该像纳博科夫说的，作者和读者携手登山的过程。丁老师最喜欢伍尔夫，应该是因为他界定的那种精神性的叙事文本，后来他跟我说所谓精神性的哲学根基是黑格尔的《精神现象学》，不是只写表象世界。那么，这跟小说吸引我的原因也合而为一了。
《A Little Life》读后感(九)
被封面上那张twisted的脸twist了一周，我终于看完了。一开始因为男主和我都叫Jude，我猜这本书对我来说会很relatable。的确我能relate to Jude的很多心思except that我并不自残，我也没有他那惨绝人寰的童年trauma。即使他成年后遇到了很多好事（包括自己多年好友、影坛巨星Willem突然喜欢上他which I found a little bit abrupt），他也没能走出阴影。怎么可能走出那样的阴影。How could anybody.
最后的结局是他的life partner，Willem（我没用boyfriend或者husband因为我觉得他们的关系too complicated to be defined like that）死于车祸两年后他自己也自杀了。这对Jude来说是一个很好的结局了，因为被身体、精神上的痛苦控制了一生的他，for the first time in his life，可以替自己做主了（like 安陵容）。而且Jude gets over Willem的结局可能更难接受。
这个故事是一个no way out的困境，所以很depressing，让人感到绝望。而且这周我还听Billie Holiday的Lady In Satin，压抑到想吐。
文中最有趣的是作者对人物关系的描写，非常现实，非常日本。比如在W死后，Jude曾想过他愿意毫不犹豫地用Harold或Andy去换Willem的命。还有Richard和Julia这两个一开始不太起眼的角色在后来跟Jude越来越熟（尤其是Julia，她和Jude不是直接认识的），甚至超过了Malcolm和JB。可怜的Malcolm，死后几乎没得到Jude一丝念想，可以说是塑料花友情了。同理还有Willem和Harold的关系，H对W说过：Jude is not the only person we love；最后在W死后，H也坦白自己对W的想念for himself而不是因为Jude才想念他。这大概表达了他对W也是爱的——文中有大概两个chapter是以H第一人称视角写的，这两段里的you指的都是W。H和W的关系是最微妙的，有时候我会想，如果Willem上了法学院并先认识了Harold，那H会不会收养的就是同样是孤儿的W？另外我觉得作者对J&W后期的关系处理地相当完美，就是两个人把互相当做love of their life，不需要过多的解释，就是beyond普通的relationship的。哎我也说不清，总之J&W的感情so outside the norm（褒义）。
所以关系的构建，或者说缘分，我觉得真是很奇妙滴。我又会想到日剧昼颜里的纱和and北野and利佳子也，well，不是通过传统的关系（工作、学校啥的）直接认识的。考虑到作者是日本裔，这还挺make sense的，因为我接触到的美国文学/影视里似乎tend to淡化除了主要的人物关系之外的关系，让其他“不重要”的关系成为一种“默认”。但在生活中只有很少的关系是“默认”为一种存在方式的，我们和每个不同的人可能都会有不同的相处方式，而且“爱”也不可能都是简单的同一种爱。然鹅，正是这些看似irrelevant的人物关系让一个故事更加丰满呀～比如来参加Jude葬礼的人，如果被粗暴地划分为同事、朋友、家人，这也太没意思了。同事里有Jude当做mentor的Lucien，有他的colleague Sanjay who在最后也参与了大家对Jude进食监督的队伍，etc，etc。
P.s. 看书的时候我会觉得，这段太惨了，希望下一段好一点。但我看到the happy years这章（which is supposed to be the happiest part of the book）的时候，我却觉得J&W在变有钱后的生活反而平淡无聊了——环游世界哪有两个人在Tribeca小公寓里住着的时候romantic——然后我就会又想看惨一点的故事。
Pps. 我好希望这本书拍成电影~看书的时候我一直把J&W脑补成Jude Law（I KNOW，文中的Jude是个lawyer）和Ricky Martin
《A Little Life》读后感(十)
边看边记，都是当时的心得体会。
P29
…he made lists of what he needed to resolve, and fast, in the following year: his work (at a standstill), his love life (nonsexist), his sexuality (unresolved), his future (uncertain). The four items were always the same, although sometimes their order of priority changed. Also consistent was his ability to precisely diagnose their status, coupled with his utter inability to provide any solutions.
P152
…a metaphor for life in general: things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.
10.20.2017
最近的几篇都是关于Jude，真是一个让人心疼的孩子，这么优秀这么渺小，这么脆弱这么坚韧，这么自卑这么强大。
第一次被他惊到是在介绍episode那里，想象一个人蜷着身子像一只小虾米，但是又坚强地默默扛下来。
第二次是在cut，对于伤口的描述让我现在还有阴影。手臂好像长出了一张嘴，汩汩地往外流血，鲜血冒着泡儿像温泉水一样止不住,bubbling.
接着是Ana,他的social worker。Ana在临死前想的最后一件事居然是给Jude列大学新生购物清单。
还有Andy，作为Jude的“独家医生”是一个严厉又柔软的角色。Jude会习惯性自残，割伤自己，每次都是Andy帮他收拾烂摊子。Andy也是Jude唯一相信的医生，在心理上也是提供了许多支持。
然后是他和Harold的故事，Harold爱才，又很疼惜他，侧面反映了他的优秀。听他讲pure math和applied math的区别，真的深深被吸引，看着他一步一步从law school到judge的助手，又到US Attorney’s Office, 这真的就是优秀的人的路径。
一个弱小到时刻准备着失去友情，失去所有的人，一个温暖的爱着所有爱着他的人的天才，正是因为他的善良和自己内心的强大，才吸引了这么多善良的人，围在他身边，帮助他，宠着他。就像是四兄弟中的忙内一样，受着大家的宠爱。
如果a little life要拍成电影，我希望Eddie Redmayne可以演，就像他在 万物理论 和 神奇动物在哪里 里展现的那种一瘸一拐的天才模样，还有丹麦女孩里的别扭，就是我心中脆弱天才Jude的样子。
P257
关于友情
He took pleasure in his friendships, and it didn’t hurt anyone, so who cared if it was codependent or not？ And anyway, how was a friendship any more codependent than a relationship？ Why was it admirable when you were twenty-seven but creepy when you were thirty-seven？ Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship？ Why wasn’t it even better？ It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified. Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.
P282 2017.12.27
渐渐有点受不了Jude的玻璃心了。虽说不至于“我弱我有理”但这种别扭的心态真的是。直面自己的physical challenge，坦然接受朋友的帮助，这才是真正的勇敢呀。固执地要坚强，要表现得hardy，超出能力范围的坚持并不是真的勇敢啊。每个人都要小心翼翼地照顾你，不仅要帮助你，还要伺候你的玻璃心。
或许这种别扭只有真正经历过的人才会懂吧。
《A Little Life》读后感(十一)
Writing is personal, not only because it involves privacy and individual perspective but also it protects you from being self-conscious and awareness of other people critics, at least when it’s still a work in progress. Personal yet relevant and resonant with every soul it touches and strikes a chord with, that’s how writing influences the public in a mysterious way. To me, everything with a little life is familiar and vivid in a delusional and absorbing way, and that’s what propels me to keep record of the reading experience for the past four days.
The minute I got hold of the book, I am literally not able to put it down. I indeed glanced through some spoilers that it involves homosexual romance. What swept me off balance is how the chronicles of the heroes cover some of the most basic yet most bewildering real-life philosophical issues and subjects. Maybe that’s what grabbed my heart and seized my throat all 700 pages through.
Throughout his short, eventful, devastated and yet splendid life, Jude struggles and endeavors with numerous attempts for self-identifications, affections, sense of securities as well as the most basic form of human impulses, love. The journey is agonizing especially since he’s got off the wrong start where those monstrous monks in the monastery batter his self-image to pieces and made him settle. Compromise is cruel to an infant or child whose curiosity promised greatness in every humanly possible way or beyond. It annihilates their source of joy and courage and all the qualities to strive for connections with the world whether through trial and error or for those who are more fortunate natural in an incomprehensible and obscure manner. Pedophiles should be condemned and contained not only for the physical abuse but also for the mental trauma it rendered to whom they have acquired deepest trust and fondness. On that note, the world has failed and receded, consolidating the sole success of those who have demolished his self-esteem and self-efficacy, which I genuinely can’t tell, is more pivotal to atonement.
But then, Willem, JB and Malcolm came into his life and made all the difference and everlasting impact on his craving soul, which indeed is a calling answered by God himself. He enjoyed friendship, companionship, love, security and most of all a sense of being alive for the first time. In fact, just I am writing this review I am still indulged in the first encounter they made in the Lispenard Street. That shabby apartment genuinely holds all the promise to their course of life. So young and full of vivacity yet still dipping in the air of sorrow and secrecy that keeps lingering from his past, reminding everyone of the delicate and fragile daffodil his own volition was.
Since then life has been nothing but a strenuous series of efforts for these young men. They each made huge breakthrough with their professions and profoundly established them in material terms. Yet after years of company and so much understanding each other, the author has to set a big twist there- Willem was killed in a car accident without warning which devastated Jude and lead to several attempts to put an end to his miseries and sufferings. To him, the only person he could confide in has been wiped away from the world. It felt the world was depriving his only source of joy and his only salvation from the past. He did expect condolences and concerns from Harold, Julia, JB and Andy. But it only reminded that the loss was irreversible and what was truly missing.
In retrospective, what really struck a chord with me was the constant and universal atmosphere of sorrow, as if there is no escape or rather any point of escape. Moreover how the concept and sense of time is contorted in the course and tempo of this beautiful piece. The good old days slipped by their fingers and went beyond grasp without notice yet the fervent, intense hallucinations of dear comrade made a dent and linger as if time comes to a halt. I suppose that was more than the author’s doing. That’s how we take life under scrutiny. We always forget how lucky we are when things are going smooth and how tedious and slow when hiccups and ups and downs turn up on the more bumpy course of the journey.
To put it in a nutshell, it is a revealing piece of work. Contemplate and meditate while reading is a rewarding habit that will benefit you for years to come.
《A Little Life》读后感(十二)
#書# 2015《A Little Life》9-2=7/10
作者: Hanya Yanagihara / 柳原汉雅
出版社: Doubleday
副標題: A Novel
出版時間: 2015-3
頁數: 736
開篇讓人滿懷期待，中間狗血奇葩，結尾一瀉千里。前半部讓人以為是一本發人深省的嚴肅作品，沒想到後半部淪落為美劇R級成年童話。可惜啊，可惜！
總的來說，主要是以下三大敗筆，讓這本書無法突破二流的天花板，進入一流文學殿堂。
第一大敗筆：刻意
本書情節峰迴路轉，閱讀時像是坐過山車，但明顯用力過猛，人為痕跡隨處可見。這雖然的確是深深吸引住讀者，可是閱讀更多專注在揭秘，而不是共情和思考，整本書的批判力被極大削弱。
情節的刻意，反映在人物設定的變態狗血。比如中期Caleb突然的進入，突然的離開，突然地死亡，目的性如此之強，讀得讓人皺眉。
before he can answer, Caleb leans in and kisses him, very hard, so that his back is pressed against the door, and Caleb’s arms make a cage around him. In that moment, he goes blank, the world, his very self, erasing themselves. It has been a long, long time since anyone has kissed him, and he remembers the sense of helplessness he felt whenever it happened, and how Brother Luke used to tell him to just open his mouth and relax and do nothing, and now—out of habit and memory, and the inability to do anything else—that is what he does, and waits for it to be over, counting the seconds and trying to breathe through his nose. Finally, Caleb steps back and looks at him, and after a while, he looks back. And then Caleb does it again, this time holding his face between his hands, and he has that sensation he always had when he was a child and was being kissed, that his body was not his own, that every gesture he made was predetermined, reflex after reflex after reflex, and that he could do nothing but succumb to whatever might happen to him next.
Caleb wouldn’t do to other people what he did to him. He hadn’t hit and hated him because he hit and hated other people; he had hit and hated him because of who he was, not because of who Caleb was.
“Caleb Porter, 52, Fashion Executive.” Immediately, his mouthful of scrambled eggs and spinach turns to cardboard and glue, and he swallows hard, feeling sick, feeling every nerve ending thrumming alive. He has to read the article three times before he can make sense of any of the facts: pancreatic cancer. “Very fast,”
而Dr. Traylor更是一大敗筆，人物模板化，情節描述照搬恐怖片，推翻了整本書的真實可信度。生活中的確有這類惡魔，現實可能更恐怖，但作者處理得如此簡單粗暴，把讀者從文字沉浸中推出，變成了純粹看戲。
He ran. Dr. Traylor followed him, and sometimes he would accelerate, and he would run faster. But he couldn’t run like he used to run, and he fell, and fell again. Each time he fell, the car would slow, and Dr. Traylor would call out—not angrily, not even loudly—“Get up. Get up and run; get up and run or we’re going back to the house,” and he would make himself stand and run again.
I’m ready, he said, I’m ready, and he waited for the angel with his awful, fearsome beauty to come save him. The last time he fell, he couldn’t get up again. “Get up!” he heard Dr. Traylor yell. “Get up!” But he couldn’t. And then he heard the engine start again, and he felt the headlights coming toward him, two streams of fire like the angel’s eyes, and he turned his head to the side and waited, and the car came toward him and then over him and it was done.
he cuts himself for the first time in a long time; he watches the blood weep across the marble and into the drain. He knows how irrational it seems, his desire to keep his legs, his legs that have caused him so many problems, that have cost him how many hours, how much money, how much pain to maintain？ But still: They are his. They are his legs. They are him. How can he willingly cut away a part of himself？ He knows that he has already cut away so much of himself over the years: flesh, skin, scars. But somehow this is different. If he sacrifices his legs, he will be admitting to Dr. Traylor that he has won; he will be surrendering to him, to that night in the field with the car.
加上兩個低微出身的主角最後都功成名就：大律師、名演員，雖然作者想表達天堂般生活中Jude依然在地獄烈火中自焚，但曼哈頓豪宅、郊區獨佔整個森林和湖泊的別墅、全世界旅遊等等，完全脫離了普通人的平凡生活，這讓讀者更是完全坐在沙發上，看著電視裡賣力的演出。
Willem had bought the land—seventy acres, with its own lake and its own forest—three years ago, and for three years it had sat empty.
the silvery, stripey marble he’s found from a small quarry outside Izmir and argue about how much of it is too much; and to make smell the cypress from Gifu that he’s sourced for the bathroom tub;
“One of my clients,” Jude said, before he could ask. “You defend someone, and their godfather turns out to be the Spanish minister of culture, who lets you make a generous donation to the Alhambra’s maintenance fund for the privilege of seeing it alone.” He grinned at Willem. “I told you I’d do something for your fiftieth—albeit a year and a half later.”
Willem的意外，把狗血刻意推到極點。作者是不是已經想好改編電視劇，擔心劇情進入疲倦期，收視率下降，所以要在這個節點設置如此套路？
And when he crosses the final large intersection, he doesn’t even see the truck coming toward him, barreling into traffic against the light, and by the time he feels it, a tremendous crush crumpling the passenger-seat side of the car, where Sophie is sitting next to him, he is already aloft, being ejected into the air. “No!” he shouts, or thinks he does, and then, in an instant, he sees a flash of Jude’s face: just his face, his expression still unresolved, torn from his body and suspended against a black sky. His ears, his head, fill with the roar of pleating metal, of exploding glass, of his own useless howls. But his final thoughts are not of Jude, but of Hemming. He sees the house he lived in as a child and, sitting in his wheelchair in the center of the lawn, just before it slopes down toward the stables, Hemming, staring at him with a steady, constant gaze, the kind he was never able to give him in life. He is at the end of their driveway, where the dirt road meets the asphalt, and seeing Hemming, he is overcome with longing. “Hemming!” he shouts, and then, nonsensically, “Wait for me!” And he begins to run toward his brother, so fast that after a while, he can’t even feel his feet strike the ground beneath him.
一本小說是否傑出，核心在於能否把人世間的巧合寫得真實可信。童年少年時代遇到都是惡魔，壯年中年時代身邊都是天使，這本書只可能是一本R級成年童話，止步於此。
第二大敗筆：啰嗦
長，實在太長，讀到後三分之一，開始耐不住性子，只想草草讀完了事——也就是閱讀本身為的是結尾，而不再與書中人物共呼吸。
柳原汉雅和John Irving問題一樣，啰嗦的文段食之無味棄之可惜，特別是大段大段的心裡或實物描述，初讀覺得細膩精準，但後期作為半直男讀著都覺得煩：這絕對不是大部分直男的感情迴路。雖然Jude的糾結在情在理，其他人的也並非出格，但加在一起真是讀得累。
但柳原漢雅對於發散的控制力明顯弱於John Irving，為了增加配角的血肉感，經常寫開了收不住，最後直接不了了之。Malcom是最典型例子，開篇像是主角之一，後面就變成若隱若現的半透明人。與其如此，何必浪費開篇的筆墨？
第三大敗筆：矯情
這本書女性角色筆墨較少，僅作為點綴，但感覺個個都乾脆利落。反而男性角色羅里吧嗦，矯情的讓女性都甘拜下風：離離合合小脾氣鬧個不停，4人團體還要再分小團體，煩不煩啊！男生之間，真的沒有那麼龜毛咧！
就以JB嗑藥突破底線，模仿Jude的殘疾，導致友誼割裂為例子，這群男人的塑膠閨蜜情可見一斑。
The two of them, Jude and Willem, had become their own unit, united against everyone, united against him (why had he never seen this before？): We two form a multitude. And yet he had always thought that he and Willem had been a unit. But all right, they weren’t. So who was he left with？ Not Malcolm, because Malcolm had eventually started dating Sophie, and they made their own unit. And so who would be his partner, who would make his unit？ No one, it often seemed. They had abandoned him.
But he hadn’t counted on them abandoning him, on them outgrowing him through their own accomplishments.
Where once his friends had needed him—for color, for excitement—they no longer did. He didn’t like to think of himself as someone who wanted his friends to be, well, not unsuccessful, but in thrall to him, but maybe he was.
“JB,” said Jude, coming close to him, “we’re going to get you out of this. Come with us. We’re going to get you help.” “Okay,” he said, still crying. “Okay, okay.” He kept his blanket wrapped around him, he was so cold, but he allowed Malcolm to lead him to the sofa, and when Willem came over with a sweater, he held his arms up obediently, the way he had when he was a child and his mother had dressed him. “Where’s Jackson？” he asked Willem. “Jackson’s not going to bother you,” he heard Jude say, somewhere above him. “Don’t worry, JB.” “Willem,” he said, “when did you stop being my friend？” “I’ve never stopped being your friend, JB,” Willem said, and sat down next to him. “You know I love you.”
How had it happened that he was the one who was all alone？ Why had they left him for Jackson to pick over and destroy？ Why hadn’t they fought harder for him？ Why had he ruined it all for himself？ Why had they let him？ He wanted to devastate them; he wanted them to feel as inhuman as he did.
he was doing Jackson’s imitation of Jude, the hideous parody, his mouth open as Jackson had done it, making an imbecile’s moan, dragging his right leg behind him as if it were made of stone. “I’m Jude,” he slurred. “I’m Jude St. Francis.” For a few seconds, his was the only voice in the room, his movements the only movements, and in those seconds, he wanted to stop, but he couldn’t stop. And then Willem had run at him, and the last thing he had seen was Willem drawing his fist back, and the last thing he had heard was the cracking of bone.
Oh god, he thought. Oh god. What have I done？ I’m sorry, Jude, he said in his head, and this time he was able to cry properly, the tears running into his mouth, the mucus that he was unable to clean away bubbling over as well. But he was silent; he didn’t make any noise. I’m sorry, Jude, I’m so sorry, he repeated to himself, and then he whispered the words aloud, but quietly, so quietly that he could hear only his lips opening and closing, nothing more. Forgive me, Jude. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.
But he doesn’t see him any longer, because even nearly three years later, he is unable to forgive him. He has tried and tried. He knows how intractable, how mean, how uncharitable he is being. But he can’t. When he sees JB, he sees him doing his imitation of him, sees him confirming in that moment everything he has feared and thought he looks like, everything he has feared and thought other people think about him. But he had never thought his friends saw him like that; or at least, he never thought they would tell him. The accuracy of the imitation tears at him, but the fact that it was JB doing it devastates him.
“Jude, I’m so sorry,” he’d say. “I was so messed up. Please tell me you forgive me. I was so awful. I love you, you know that. I would never want to hurt you, never.” “I know you were messed up, JB,” he’d say. “I know.” “Then tell me you forgive me. Please, Jude.” He’d be silent. “It’s going to be okay, JB,” he’d say, but he couldn’t make the words—I forgive you—leave his mouth. At night, alone, he would say them again and again: I forgive you, I forgive you. It would be so simple, he’d admonish himself. It would make JB feel better. Say it, he’d command himself as JB looked at him, the whites of his eyes smeary and yellowed. Say it. But he couldn’t. He knew he was making JB feel worse; he knew it and was still unable to say it. The words were stones, held just under his tongue. He couldn’t release them, he just couldn’t.
he felt a sort of sadness he’d never felt before. Other people had been cruel to him, had made him feel awful, but they hadn’t been people he loved, they hadn’t been people he had always hoped saw him as someone whole and undamaged. JB had been the first.
“Can you forgive me, Jude？” JB asked, and looked at him. He didn’t have words, he could only shake his head. “I can’t, JB,” he said, finally. “I can’t. I can’t look at you without seeing—” He stopped. “I can’t,” he repeated. “I’m sorry, JB, I’m so sorry.”
Malcolm has remained friends with JB, although he felt the need to apologize to him for this fact. “Oh no, Malcolm,” he’d said, once Malcolm had confessed, asking him for his permission. “You should absolutely still be friends with him.” He doesn’t want JB to be abandoned by them all; he doesn’t want Malcolm to feel he has to prove his loyalty to him by disavowing JB.
But Willem has never spoken to JB again. Once JB returned from rehab, he called JB and said that he couldn’t be friends with him any longer, and that JB knew why. And that had been the end.
Now, years later, he no longer even blames JB; he simply cannot forget. He finds that some small but unignorable part of him is always wondering if JB will do it again; he finds he is scared of being left alone with him.
但是這本書敗也蕭何成也蕭何，三大敗筆同時也是三大亮點！
（未完待續）
